As someone who believes in God, and, for want of a better term, “works” for God too, working out what the BOSS wants you to do is sometimes a challenge. As confident as some people are with the ways God speaks to them, I am less confident, never quite sure…
I believe strongly that the voice of God come to me most often through the human voices that surround me and guide me- and I try to listen to every voice, even those I don’t wish to hear from, don’t like to hear from, and even dislike hearing from. I believe in the potential to be changed and shaped and guided by every voice I encounter.
But this is not always the way God speaks to me. To some it may seem silly, or even ridiculous, but recently it has been God has been stirring in my GUT and guiding me along a difficult path. And its only as I emerge from this time of hurt and struggle that the realisation comes (yet again, and as it always does) that God has been, and always will be, with me. In the past months, the gut stirring that has caused insomnia, depression and anxiety, has also led to wise decisions, right choices and an opening out into a new space.
Why do I so often underestimate the power of God to be present and guide my life? I guess the majority of my struggle with that question is because I see so many people and places making choices and walking journeys where I struggle to find God. The paradox of human existence, its contradiction makes very little sense to me. I know plenty of people who live remarkable lives of grace and love- and yet choose not to include/acknowledge/believe in God. I have also met many who claim a relationship with ‘God’, and yet behave in ways so contradictory to the calling of grace and love of common humanity.
This struggle is particularly bugging me today as more and more details are being reported regarding the plane crash in the French Alps. The death of 150 people is tragic beyond belief- and given the other recent disappearance and crashes overwhelmed by mystery- the need for answers in this case was desperately sought, the need to direct our blame in ANY direction seemed important somehow. And yet, now the world has its person to blame, I don’t feel any better.
Killing other people is wrong. Not only does the Bible tell me that, every moral, ethical and human instinct screams it at me! I don’t understand any deliberate action of violence, let alone one that leads to the death of a fellow human being. How anyone can live out an action that leads to the death of others and cause so much grief and confusion is beyond my comprehension. And yet that funny God-stirring in my gut (and as a struggler with mental illness) says not to judge too harshly, because the only clear and obvious thing to me in the whole situation is that the pilot, who killed himself and so many others, was SICK.
Am I crazy for trying to reconcile this shitty situation in some way? Am I seeking solution to a paradox that can just never be? As a Christian, whose greatest human example if Christ himself, I believe I am charged to give voice to the voiceless, try and see both sides of the coin, find space and love in my heart for ALL people. And sometimes that does mean giving voice to the voiceless; loving the unlovable; forgiving the unforgivable…
If I’m going to honour and trust in my GUT, and that my gut truly is the stirring and speaking of God in my life, then in this, and other situations, I must believe there is truth and HOPE in the struggles and paradoxes of this world that make no sense to me. Perhaps, as it has so often in the past, it will become clear.